my Sad post

I’m not normally one who puts my emotions out there on the media.. I am not afraid to let people know how I am doing in person.. but it feels so impersonal on the media page.. but to confess I am a little heart broken today.. My wish is to be home and be surrounded by people that know me and can speak my language.. that can hug me in a South African way..

Why I am sad is very personal, but just to give you some information..even though we are living a dream according to so many people and even though  I will not change one second of this past year.. I am truly grateful.. the truth of God’s goodness really became a reality to me.. but in the midst of all this, I feel lonely.. And I know that the Christian answer is: ” But Linda, you are not alone.. you have great hubby and Jesus is always with you..” That I know and for that I am grateful.. but that is not why I am lonely.. I am lonely because I realize that there is not a lot of trust in this world.

Jesus asked a very real question when He was on earth.. He asked:” When the Son of Man returns will He find faith?’ What is faith? We know the scripture. Faith is the substance of things hoped for.. the evidence of  things not yet seen..Hebr.11.1.. the way I read this through my understanding of a loving God is Him asking.. “If I come back will I find that you trust Me?” This breaks my heart if I just look at my own life..

I was at a conference this last weekend. There was a young girl with wild blonde hair with pink stripes in between her hair attending the conference..She shrieked at every good thing the pastor said.. She jumped up and down.. But in break time she isolated herself.  And I couldn’t help but wonder if she is afraid of us people? Has she been so rejected in her life that she cannot trust anymore? Maybe I was completely out of line..but my thinking went to myself.. and I realized that I do that.. I isolate myself when I am afraid.. I once confessed to someone that I am afraid to be close to that person.. and that was thrown in my face as if I was weak. This is very painful.. so what I did, I covered up.. I will not show weakness again.. not show fear again.. and my heart became hard.

I do not think that Jesus was rebuking the lack of faith on earth.. I think He was asking this question for us to realize that we do not trust.. we do not trust one another and that spill over in not trusting Him.The reality is that He loves us UNCONDITIONALLY.. He loves us through our hurt.. through our brokenness. His love drives out all fear.. I think that is why feel so lonely the last couple of days.. because fear of rejection and fear of getting hurt and not trusting is being driven out by His perfect love..I look at this world and I see a lack of trust in everyone.. it can be covered up by performance,(mostly christians do this..), rebellion, hatred, bitterness.. etc. But I also see a Loving God Who is pouring out His love.. I see a God did everything for us on the cross.. We are perfect because of what Jesus did..

My desire for my life is to trust like a little child.. I want my heart to be vulnerable in this life.. vulnerable and full of trust..because, that to me, is freedom.. that, to me,is full fellowship.. I know that He will take care of me.. and if I do get hurt, I do not have to ashamed of it.. but I know that I can run to Him and receive comfort.. and there is also dear people in my life that I can run to.. like my dear Hubby.


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