In one week I had two people come up to me and said that they love spending time with me because I am very uncomplicated. For a very long time I have wished to be uncomplicated. I had my fair share of complicatedness believe me. There is just something about being able to have made peace with yourself. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my complicated days.. Just last week I was convinced that I need to get some serious help.. But it passed in a day’s time and I woke up the next morning with a new hope in my heart.We can just say that it was a bad day.
Today I don’t want to give you a step by step ways to make peace with yourself as I am still walking this journey myself. Last week Stoffel and I spoke often about true happiness, we said it must be relationships or security or money or the town you live in.This may all add to our happiness. We are fortunate to live in one very beautiful town, with great friends and security in a job and are very happy. But in my core I know our happiness is due to the fact that we truly believe that God loves us.
It is no secret that I married a love junkie. My family tells me often how lucky I am to have Stoffel in my life and everytime I tell them I know. What is a love junkie? According to my definition it is someone who is addicted to love, a hopeless romantic. When we watch true soppy movies, hubby will live through the characters lives. His favourite movie of all time: Meet Joe Black. I cannot stand the movie!!!
We were married for a very short time when he once said to me that he can see that I can’t receive his love. This was a very rude awakening to me. There I was a young wife trying my best to cook,iron and be the perfect wife and my husband complains about me not being able to receive his love? He could see I was upset and just left me to complain to God about this strange man with his strange ideas of love.
In my prayer time with God about this weird boy I married, God started to speak to me about love. I knew 1 Cor 13 well as I was in ministry for a long time. Yet I still saw Love as acts. I saw 1 Cor 13 as acts that Love do.. In my prayer time, God revealed to me that when He says love is patient, he is not talking about an act to proof that you love, but more about a fruit of love. If you are love, you will be patient, you will be kind. I understood but then I encountered another question. How do I love? God answered: “Let me love you and you will see.”
You know when a stranger stares at you and you start to feel uncomfortable? That is how that season in my life felt like. When Stoffel wants to love me I squirmed. It was the most difficult thing to receive love. My brain constantly wanted to scream and say surely they must see that I am not good enough, that me receiving all this love is just a waste of their time. But God and Stoffel persisted. And slowly my walls started to crumble. It was a long journey to come to a place where I constantly feel God’s love and where I believe with everything in my that I am unconditionally loved. My times with God is that of worship where I open my arms and receive Him. I receive His kind words, His touch, His comfort and His joy. My heart melts every time I think about God.
My times with God are not about my prayer list and chapters of reading the bible, no I enjoy Him and He enjoys me. I found the source of love and for the first time I could receive love. My marriage with deary changed and we truly enjoy each other. We are each other’s best friend and I am not the conventional wife. But he is not complaining because he finally can be the love junkie he is.
Because I learned to receive love I also learned to give it. Or rather let us say to live it. I am sometimes way to soft… but then I learn to guard my heart cause I know that I am precious and this situation is not treating me as I am deserved to be treated.
Love makes the world go round, and happiness? Well happiness is found in being content because then you can truly enjoy your rich life full of blessings.