When being vulnerable becomes the enemy

I am back from a delicious two week holiday with my hub hub. This post is not about what we experienced but more about what I learned. So, don’t worry, I won’t bore you with the boring details of a leopard kill we saw while in the Kruger. 🙂

Our car radio didn’t work, so in the 3000 + km that we drove, we chatted. This is what I love about being married to my man, he can talk and he can listen. We processed so much of this past year. TB was the main subject . About a year ago, my active journey started with this disease. I was sick since November 2012, but did not know it. {Side note: If you cough for longer than a week, please get tested.}

Anyway, the person I am today and the person I was a year ago is so vastly different. I sort of lost sight of the new me a couple a weeks before my holiday. Especially with regards to my business. I started to perform in my business. To get acknowledged was vital to me for the success of my business. I started chasing opportunities at the cost of others and mostly myself. Worst of all, I started to micro manage my life and everything in it.

This is completely the opposite of the value I learned during my TB journey.

Let me explain:

This past holiday I noticed something that is a fruit of fear. When circumstances overwhelms us we start to perform. We try everything in our power to prevent us from getting hurt by that very same overwhelming circumstances. We make decisions out of fear and let our emotions lead us. This we all do because we have become aware of our human vulnerability. The moment we became aware of how fragile we are, we start to perform to protect our fragileness.

Some signs that we placed ourselves in that position:

  • Selfish decisions
  • Underlying anger
  • expecting the worse to happen
  • frustration
  • disconnect with close friends and family
  • anxiety

This is just a few, but I sort of know when I am sliding in that position of self protect,it is when I lose my peace or leave my sweet spot.

This past holiday I noticed that pattern in my own life, but it was mostly in my approach to my photography business . I did whack stuff that almost cost me dear relationships!

The truth is you are always vulnerable. Those overwhelming  circumstances are always around the corner of your life. Or you are already in it. How you go though difficult circumstances and handle it depends on your perspective.

This is what TB taught me. When I heard for the first time I had TB, I started to cry. When I saw my dad’s face when he heard that I have TB, my heart stopped. I was in the middle of a sea of doubt that was threatening my life and I had no life-line or get out of jail free card. I had to go through this even though I was scared beyond myself.

That is when God came in.

He lifted my eyes of my very vulnerable state and forced me to look at Him. During the biggest battle of my life for my life, I felt a sense of deep trust and knowing that I will be ok. He was there. If I turned out not being ok, He will comfort those I love. All will be well. That didn’t mean that I wasn’t scared, but my trust wasn’t placed in myself to overcome, but in Him.

This holiday , I realised that the biggest thing that cripple people is to trust themselves to get out of a difficult situation. We just can’t do that. To take responsibility for something so overwhelming that has the potential to ruin your life is a very scary place. God never intended us to lean on ourselves when dark times come. Like a good Father, He wants us to come to Him and trust Him with whatever steals our joy. He knows how to comfort.

I realised that my trust regarding my business started to slide more in my direction than in God’s direction. So last week Monday I woke up, had a walk on the beach and had a chat with my Marketing Manager of my business. I needed two weddings for the next season to break even, so I asked Him. That afternoon, while on holiday, wedding number one came in and the next day wedding number two came in. Oh, I learned my lesson!It is so much easier to trust Him for break through than to work for it myself.

We are vulnerable human beings, so delicate, yet very strong. Trust Him and believe in Him to make your path straight.

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