Beating heart…

Sometimes to express what I understand and what I feel is very difficult. I am a girl that is all for context. When I hear a story about someone , I want to know the context. I want to know what events happened in that person’s life that could have led up to the final event that caused the drama. I know it might be very gracious and sometimes the best is to allow people to experience the effects of their bad choices,but nevertheless, I want to give the benefit of the doubt.

I move in so many circles with people from different spheres of life. I don’t like to be boxed or to box, yet sometimes to make sense of it all, I go look for reason and indirectly box people. Then I put Jesus in that reason. I learned through my time walking with Him that He is the ultimate Saviour and also the Saviour of every day. And not one of us are not in need of His saving Grace.

I have mentioned before that my life has so many tensions. I am absolutely besotted with Jesus and I have a crowd that celebrates Him with me. Then in my work space, I sometimes encounter people who don’t know Him and my heart celebrates them. I LOVE people. Just the other Sunday I received an prophetic word that finally explained this weird and wonderful to me. I am like a gate that can swing to both sides. I can speak Bible and I can speak world. 🙂

Anyway, long intro. One of the tensions that I encounter very often is actually found in my “christian” world. The tension of the grace vs truth preachers. In my understanding, they are both from the same essence. God. God is Grace and Truth is God. Yet, down here on earth, we struggle to make sense of it all. A tension.

I hear many say that the Grace preachers give a licence to sin and in the same breathe it is said that the “Truth” preachers preaches law. Up and down we go with this game to figure who actually speaks the truth! 🙂

My mind ponders these things and I can only explain it in Stories, so let me use my life to explain something. This past week I turned 31. It was a big birthday for me. I sometimes have to remind myself that my perspective on life was hugely altered when I was sick. I love life and want to live it fully. My birthday was just another milestone for me of what not only I but the ones I love went through just over a year ago.

In these celebrations I lost focus of my true identity and I stepped over a line. I hurt someone very dear to my heart and felt horrible when I was called on it. Now, I was found in that tension. I could show my remorse and sulk for days confessing the truth of what I have done and repenting from it, or I could just accept the forgiveness that was extended towards me and go on as if nothing happened. Both not wrong and both not right.

The thing is, the connection was lost and following any of these above doctrines, will not bring back the connection.

The whole of Sunday I sat, pondering. My heart was heavy and my soul sad. I hurt the one Person that I never want to hurt. Finally, I took a long bubble bath and prepared my heart for the chat that I dreaded. I prayed and asked God for wisdom and then it became clear: “My mercies and grace are new every day.”

This connection I have is so valuable to me and after what I did, I broke it. I wanted to restore it and when God whispered that into my heart, I saw it. Although in my own power I messed up, His Grace restores. All I could do with His Grace is to receive it. You see, this connection is so valuable and when Someone comes past and gives it back without a scratch, you heart crumbles. You know that you know that you can’t keep it safe and you didn’t. Out of your own power, you can’t. You also know that to mess with it, hurts not only you but others too. This is what sin does. It is not a case of right and wrong, but a case of being connected to Him and others or not.

If you understand Him and know Him, you will want anything to stay close. One step away will hurt your heart, as mine did. My actions were wrong, but even more losing something valuable had more of an impact than the right and wrong concept had.

I was reminded of the woman who washed Jesus feet with expensive perfume. The disciples was thinking in right and wrong mindset and was upset with her for not using it more wisely on the flip side, she was receiving His Grace and responded out of repentance  and Jesus saw it and honoured it.

It is His goodness that draws us to Repentance. Not His rod.

Back to the “Truth vs Grace” tension. I was “wrong” because I acted outside my identity and in the process hurt someone who trusted me. I learned the effects of that action but even more so, I was humbled when I received forgiveness for it. His Grace restored the connection and I will only steal from it if I keep on sulking about my wrong actions. I rather want to enjoy my special gift and person than to hurt it again by acting as a slave who must work to be accepted and not as a Son ( my true identity) who has already been accepted.

You don’t want to mess with His grace the moment you understand the value of it.

p.s Yes, this dear person I hurt was my dear amazing loving husband.