I don’t want to be her friend anymore..- Notes from a clueless mom

Recently I was invited to go somewhere and I declined the invitation, knowing that there will be people there that upsets me when I am around them. This was one very hard reality check for me. I am a very friendly and open person. I love people and love spending time with them. Declining to go to a event due to other people was a big shock to me.

Yes, I am exhausted and this may add to my need to stay in a safe quiet place. Not only do new moms sleep less, but it is a huge emotional adjustment to have this little bean with you. Everything changes: your body, your relationship with your husband, your sleeping habits, in my case my eating habits and then also this unconditional love that can almost head over to extreme fear that something may happen to little bean.

When I react like this and it is so out of character for me, I know that I need to find balance again. Sometimes balance comes when I spend time with God, take a long bath or chat to my hubby. But sometimes balance comes when I bring about change.

With this particular situation, a change was needed.

Due to my love for people, I tend to over composite when conflict arises. I so want everything to be ok, that I forgive easily, blame myself for what went wrong and then try and go on as if nothing was wrong. I always thought this worked for me, but according to my husband, it doesn’t. You see, I become super sensitive in the relationship to try and not rock the boat again. The friendship becomes a strain rather than a blessing.

Yesterday while driving back, I was thinking of this. Then God reminded me of the circles theory. I wrote about it before, but just to recap:

Our relationship lives are in circles around us and we determine where who must stand in those circles.

Your most inner circle is the place closest to your heart.Only somebody who respects your heart is allowed to stand there. Funny enough, you only have space for one person in that space. To me it is my husband. I have found that because we have such an amazing marriage and that my whole life is open to him, other people think that I am this stable being. It is a clear sign that our marriage is as strong as a rock, because I share my heart with him and find refuge in him. This causes that I seldom need to chat to anybody else about whatever is bothering me. ( I still do chat to my close friends of needed, relationships are awesome!)

The second circle is normally family or people that feel like family to you. Again in my case, our family is extremely close. My parents live in the same town than us and we spend so much time together.

The third circle is close friends. A true friendship, just like marriage, can only be stress free when two people have the similar value systems. Not world view, not ideas, not hobbies but value system. What is a value system? It is the reasoning behind why you do things without you thinking of that reason. It is your check point. Like for instance, I value my husband and respect him tremendously. Over the years I have learned how to communicate that respect to him in public. I never want to embarras him and needed to learn what is embarrassing to him. You will never see me speak to my husband as if he is a child to be scolded. In private or in public. You will always hear me ask rather than command. All these things back up my value of him. Now, I struggle to be a friend to someone who doesn’t value her husband.

The fourth circle is for friends that you see now and then, yet have fun together when you see them.

Fifth circle is for business colleagues.

Sixth circle is for acquaintances.

Back to the third circle. What I realised yesterday is that I need to move some friends from my third circle to my fourth circle. I still adore those people, but due to different value systems, I and maybe they, get hurt very often. I found that especially now that  I have someone else depending on me, that I really need to learn how to guard my heart. Out of the heart flows life and if I am hurt due to someone not respecting me and I still tolerate it, then I am hurting my son and my hubby by the negativity.

So it is up to me to steward these circles. It doesn’t have to be a big drama, just a gentle nudge to your heart to protect rather than to expose yourself. It doesn’t mean that the relationship is over, just a move away from the center and most precious part of you.

I hope this helps you too and here is to healthy relationships!

Keep your love on- Danny Silk
Keep your love on- Danny Silk

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