Looking back-Notes from a clueless mom

I have the hugest smile on my face the whole day! So before I rant on and you won’t follow on why I am so happy, let me back track.

We celebrated our 7 year anniversary on the 1st  of November. I am a HUGE celebration person. I celebrate everything and needless to say, important dates are high priority! But my birthday past me with a swoosh and I ended the day in tears, not full of celebration vibes.

Then came the anniversary and we started our day with a fight. Yes, you read right, we fought over something so small that I can’t even remember what it was. I could feel my heart losing grip on hope and I could feel myself slip deeper into a VERY dark space.

To all my single friends and married friends who don’t have a baby yet, let me just say this, be gentle on those who have. It is the biggest whirlwind experience of your life. You go through so many emotions and experiences in a very short time. I know of many first time moms who just can’t cope and I truly understand why. I think I was just to ignorant to realise I was sinking. I have one friend, Carmen, who daily encouraged me during that time, and I have to say, she saved me in so many ways.

My biggest struggle was not with having a baby. No, I will do it all over again, just to have David. He is such a blessing to my soul. My struggle was with those amazing promises of God about my life. I just could not see how it will come to pass now that I am a mom.

Again, ignorant thinking, I know. But honestly, I felt like I lost a big part of who I am the moment David was born. It felt like I had to go such a big part of who I thought I was in order to be a mom.

Not only was it my thinking, but people also confirmed it. One specific day, we were sitting outside of church when a lady came to our group and said that she brought chocolates for us and proceeded to hand it out to us. When she came to me, I extended my hand, so very excited for the chocolate, she looked at me and said: ” I didn’t bring you any, you are breastfeeding and are not allowed to have chocolate.” and she proceeded to hand Stoffel his chocolate. I was so angry. Already I gave up so much and here a complete stranger made another sacrificial decision on my behalf.

a Week after our anniversary, we went to visit Stoffel’s family. One evening, I was busy putting David to sleep, when I felt the ping of sadness again. Here I am with a screaming baby while my husband is dreaming with his family. I felt so sad for myself.

Then something magical happened, my boy looked me in the eyes and cried. My heart broke for this little person trying to find his way in this hectic world. I looked at him with so much pride and out of nowhere, I thanked God for him. That is when I felt the first slimmer of hope, I kept on thanking God for his health, his peaceful personality, his ability to see, to hear me, his giggle and on and on I went, thanking God. Then I started thanking God for my husband, the success he has made out of his career at  a very young age, the man he is to me, his love and patience towards me, his sacrifices for his family. Then I started thanking God for my home, my parents who live close to me. {a dream I had since I left school was to live in the same town than they}. After a hour of thanking God, my boy was fast asleep and I felt as light as a feather.

It was then that I decided to commit 30 days of giving thanks and I have been faithful, everyday finding something to thank God for. You will be surprised how amazing that is and how easy it is to thank God for your life!

I didn’t do it to get something, I did it because I had to change my focus from lack to  overflow in order to survive.Now, not only am I surviving, but I am flourishing.

I won’t be able to share to much now, since it still in the developing phase, but dreams that I have forgotten about is busy unfolding and it just comes to me without me trying to go for it.

I believe that it was always there for me to see, but I could only see it when I changed my worldview to one of gratefulness.

It is a very good time to be alive. Yes, there are plenty of things going wrong, the bombing of Paris is the most recent one. But please remember that for our God nothing is impossible. He is not threatened by what threatens us. The challenge is to change our minds from that of earthly things to that of heavenly things.

Remember that all authority in heaven and earth has been given to Jesus, He then gave it to us as believers. I believe this world is busy with a awakening at what this authority looks like and we can be part of it. Do not look down at what you lack, look up at what you have in Him: Abundance, Hope, Freedom, health and victory just to name a few.

Lastly, the thing that I am most thankful for now, was the thing that started this whole journey, to be able to be a mom.

 

God Bless you,

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Jasmine Star

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