Fruit of an unsatisfied life

It is not often that you come to a place where you have to face facts: This life is just not turning out as you dreamed it to be. That hopeless feeling of just never catching a break, just never reaching that place in your business, just never being able to breathe and just be.

We have become a culture addicted to travel. Why? Because it helps us to escape. We have become wanderlusts.

Wanderlust is a strong desire for or impulse to wander or travel and explore the world.

All is good to go on holiday,but something seriously wrong if it is our means of escape from reality and responsibility.

I was THE wanderlust. Since a little child, I wanted to travel and explore. I am a number 7 on the Enneagram personality test. A 7 is scared that life will not be an adventure. So I chased adventure, whether it was to have a nice cup of coffee with my mac on my table, music in my ears and staring across the sea, or planning the next trip to somewhere.

I always say it is much easier to go and explore outside and than to sit still and look inside of yourself. When we minister we often ask people to talk to God about what we are ministering on, as soon as we ask them to be vulnerable and share, they start preaching. They tell us what they learned, not what they were feeling.

The first sign of living an unsatisfied life is not being able to be vulnerable.

What does it mean to be vulnerable? It means you open up the you that is the most difficult to defend. Scary right? Yet, we have become so accustomed to not share that one part of ourselves out of fear that we ourselves don’t even go there. Instead we wander and explore spiritually and physically, hoping that this experience will numb the numbness inside ourselves.

Second sign of an unsatisfied life and it goes hand in hand with being vulnerable is to be able to connect. Intimacy is starting to decline in this society due to us not being able to show ourselves. A great definition of intimacy is by Danny Silk: Into me you see. It is coming to that place where you show the true you to someone that you love and feel safe with and allowing that person to connect with you.

Third sign is anxiety. To me anxiety is a feeling of being out of control. It is that feeling of not being able to meet the standard. Yesterday I had to renew my license and part of the process is to do an eye test. I can see, I am a photographer,but still the word “test” made my hands sweat and I held my breath  as I did the test. Finally when the official said that I have past the test, I relaxed. You see, my brain registered that there is a standard that I need to fulfil and immediately I started to perform to reach that standard. {Look at me being vulnerable here}.

Being an anxious person means that you believe a lie that you are not enough. Or if you do show the true you, you are too much to handle. The key is here, you. You are not satisfied with yourself.

We have so many coping meganisms just to get through this life. Some smoke, drink lots of coffee or alcohol , do drugs, travel, exercise excessively, become spiritualists, even go to church often, all in the process to help us cope.

But here is the thing, we were not created to cope, we were created to thrive and rule and reign on this earth.

This is my story: I was very unsatisfied with myself. My father one day looked at me when I was just a teenager and said: Make peace with who you are. I tried. I took on so many persona’s just to be able to define myself. I became the traveller,the christian, the preacher, the prophet, the writer and the photographer.Later I became the wife and seven years later, the mother. With every journey I found a piece of me, but still there was a longing and a hardness in my heart that just did not settle.

I am married to one incredible man, who was on a similar journey earlier in his life and did find what he was looking for. One night, he asked me: What about this? And it hit me. I have been carrying a pain that happened so many years ago that I can’t even remember the details.. but when it happened, I started to believe that God doesn’t care about me. I looked into myself and saw the confusion and pain that this situation caused,and instead of hiding it again, I took it to the One who I believed have failed me.

And a wonderful thing happened. He cried. Pappa God cried over my pain. Not because He felt guilty that I had to experience it, no, because He never intended it to happen to me. He didn’t cause it to happen, yet it did and it defined my life. Finally, I came to Him for redemption. And I met an incredible,beautiful and loving Father.

I cannot describe what I have been going through since. I lost 12kg, I started running, I cook {miracle in itself}, I celebrate my two beautiful men and furballs, I started to have compassion on people. I stopped performing for work.Judgement stopped in my life and I started to thrive.

I found peace and became satisfied in this life!

When I dealt with that pain, my perspective changed. Previously I was focused on me and what I can get out of God, but now, I became a son of God. I see Him for who He is and fell in love all over again. My heart became that of a blessing and I want to celebrate and worship Him in all His glory. My trust was restored in Him and I can walk with my head held high, knowing that My Daddy got this.

Be blessed!


Marriage and the Inner me

This Morning I woke up with a thousand thoughts running through my mind. They were all about marriage. Bill Johnson once said that God wants us to worship Him. He loves our hearts turned to Him. God is not a egocentric God that needs all worship to be about Him, but He knows that we as humans become what we Worship. And since He already made us One with Him, what greater gift can there be than to become like Him. This happens through worship. I love to worship.. I used to not like it, but I have tasted this good God and now I can’t get enough of Him. 🙂

Worship and marriage thoughts.. How do the link?

Stoffel and I once did a pre-marital counseling with a young couple who was about to get married. The young man came to us in the second session and told us that he finally knows how to have a happy marriage. He said that he watched this dvd about being selfless in the marriage. Once you become selfless and put your partner first, you will have a happy marriage. Very true I had to agree, just one thing. If you are trying to be selfless and put your partner first,in the process of trying to be selfless aren’t you putting yourself first? You see I tried that and soon I started to compare myself to Stoffel and got very frustrated. Giving with an ulterior motive never works.

In any battle we have, being inner focus is never the solution. Trust me, I am the self made inner focus queen! You have a problem, whether it is sin or whatever, and you so become consumed with this thing and trying to conquer it out of your own strength that you can’t seem to enjoy your life. You do pray, because we have been taught to pray about it, but still no relief. Does it mean God did not hear our prayers? Nope, He is a good Daddy, He hears our prayers. It just means that your problem has become bigger than your God. And because you so focus on the BIG problem you don’t get to see the little victories and celebrate them so according to you, your problem stays big and the evil cycle starts again.

It is way more fun to celebrate than to fight. That is what is worship is all about to me, to celebrate this big God. To celebrate someone brings tears to my eyes. I love it when someone close to me has a birthday, because then I can celebrate them!

This young man was maybe right. Not focusing on self is maybe the solution.. But trying not to focus on one self can be the problem. Flip the coin and start to celebrate. Worship helps you to celebrate other people, because as I said in the beginning, you start to think like Jesus if you start to worship Him.. because what your worship is what you become. Jesus loves to celebrate and value people!!

How does this all fit into marriage? I once stood in my kitchen very frustrated with my man. I was in the middle of this selfless route. I prayed to God and asked Him to please help me because I seem not to be able to cope. I then heard God say to me : ” You enjoy Stoffel and I will focus on this marriage.” I started to do that. I started to celebrate and enjoy my man and soon our marriage was smooth sailing!

We have a marriage course coming up in April and this is what we do at our marriage course. The course is set up for you and your spouse to come back into connection or go even deeper into a connection on all levels of your marriage.

What about us who have kids? Will we be able to learn from you since you don’t have kids? Yes, because the course is set up to focus on the connection that you have with your spouse. It is designed to lift your eyes from your busy schedules and see each other again, to celebrate each other again.

I can answer all the questions I receive regarding this, but at the end, the best is for you to decide if you want to come. All I can say is that I am very happily married! 🙂

For more info on our course please go to